Notes From The Underground

The lack of posting means that i have (miraculously) regained a tiny semblance of a life. I, like many of my compatriots, have chosen to fill the void left by lack of classes with family, friends, food, drink, merriment, and general shenanigans.

Speaking to you, as i do now, from what i have come to know as the land of the living, i have a few things to share. The new year is nigh upon us and drawing closer with every breath, so before we fall once again victim to the vicious wheel of time (literary reference ftw!) I have a few parting thoughts for you, 2012.

1. That whole end of the world twice in one year thing, while mildly entertaining, did not come to fruition and was a rather vacuous waste of time. Let us not speak of it again.

2. Hats off to the movie industry this year. Two of the best films in quite some time reached somewhere into the inky depths of my soul and unearthed a human heart. I doff my cap to you, Lincoln and Les Miserables.

3. There are some celebrities that are just too talented for their own good. I'm looking at you, Anne Hathaway and Eddie Redmayne.

4. I feel like the year of the ginger is coming. See the above item re: Eddie Redmayne, and note that i currently have a huge crush on that man as the result of two scenes of a single movie. So, take heart, my freckled friends! There are those of your number making you increasingly attractive to, oh, everyone.

5. Thank you, kindle, for infusing reading with a newfound ease and life. Had reading gone the way of the Dodo, we would all mark the new year with a dirge rather than the jubilant and raucous merriment it is bound to be.

Now, it's off to bed with me, for some deeply conflicted, musical influenced dreams. There's a full day of beautification and relaxation to be had....starting with an invasive morning meeting with a Korean woman, a spa, and a scrub brush. I wish my skin godspeed in this endeavor.

FREEDOM

Time to go be irresponsible for a bit. Then do holiday and family stuff. Most excellent. I bid you all a fond (temporary) farewell. Time to rot my brain for about a week.

You know you're done studying when....

You sit in a room, at a desk, for a full two hours and accomplish nothing, other than successfully exhausting your supply of delightful tumblr blogs, eating some peanut butter on celery, sending gifs to friends to cheer them up, and blogging.

It then becomes you reading other people's articles on an entirely opinion-based website (which is brilliant, by the way). For example, I now know that Mean Girls did, in fact, teach me a bunch of things about life (see: here) AND that drunk people have 11 bad habits. You're welcome.

To Those Who Are About To Die...

I salute you. In the sense that I'm there with you. This is me comforting you:

It gets better, I promise. Also there is a break, and happiness, and holidays, and sleep, and drinks at the end. Mostly the drinks part. What I really wanted to find was a gif from Gladiator where they're saluting the emperor, but I fail at technology miserably, so please allow this adorable cat and dog gif to be my restitution.

Evidence in a nutshell: OBJECTION!!! Judge: On what grounds, counselor? Me: *sits back down very slowly*

THE END.

The beginning of the end (part 1 of 6)

2L year, we're off to a harrowing start. 8 hour take home exam during which i had no idea what the hell was going on and adopted the survival method of throwing everything i could think of on a single (lies, there were 10 single spaced) page. It's something like when you can't tell if spaghetti is quite done yet - throw some at the wall and see if something sticks. Granted, this method of cooking always confused me, because then you're wasting precious food stuffs and you have to clean the wall (and probably the floor). Regardless, it seems to work for law school. I still haven't the foggiest about what the take away from that class was, other than story time is fun but a worthless learning tool, and you have to teach yourself things. Also, I'm pretty sure my professors are sadists. But then, aren't we all.

Onward and....continuing to not die-ward. Evidence is tomorrow, and if my years of learning the federal rules for mock trial devolving into drawing elephant butts has taught me nothing else, it is that i am potentially totally screwed and my brain might be imploding. Happy thoughts, yeah? There is a honey bourbon toddy at the end of the river styx. Cheers to your journey through hades.

Chronicling My Rapidly Devolving Mental State

1:38 PM - Hallucinated a case name that was nowhere on any of the 12 pages I was staring at.

2:45 PM - Escalating anger at my 8 hour final exam. Considering screaming "I hate everything!" at the top of my lungs. Restrain myself based on the fact that this is (shockingly) frowned upon in the library.

3:13 PM - Still at work, still haven't eaten. Beginning to consider slamming forehead into text books in an attempt at forced osmosis. 

3:16 PM - Momentary reflection on the fact that the weather has obviously chosen to mimic my mood today. Am pleased by this. Consider downing 4 advil in an attempt to make everything function better (that's a thing, right?). Discard idea because it involves going up to my locker, which may cause me to not return.

3:18 PM - Realize for the first time today that I managed to pick the only broken chair at this table. Become unreasonably irritated. Mentally curse out stupid, backstabbing, traitor chair that is set for a person much taller than myself.

3:20 PM - Gain back some semblance of sanity, realize that I just wasted 10 precious minutes in a sneaky hate spiral for no reason. Force self back to the preparation of horrid, tiny-print outline.

3:35 PM - See picture from Starbucks saying "Rekindle the joy." Immediately mentally respond with "No, that's no longer possible."

3:46 PM - Begin checking tumblrs to make sure I'm not the only one slowly losing my mind. Am reassured, but pissed off at self for successfully destroying what could have been 6 productive minutes. Secretly judge self to be a failure in this moment.

4:08 PM - Upon failure to find a case in the materials issued for class, develop the urge to throw things off desk while saying "Fuck this, and fuck that..." etc. Suppress urge upon finding all missing cases buried in the illogical, disorganized and nonsensical document. Continue silently cursing professor.

4:18 PM - Realize that I'm deeply technology challenged, because it took 10 full minutes to figure out how the hell to add a gif to this thing. Give up on blogging for the day.

Existing (Almost) Entirely on Caffeine

It's bad for you, apparently. My brain is hyperactive, my extremities are freezing, my stomach is eating itself, my hands are shaking involuntarily, and I'm STILL FUCKING TIRED. How is that even possible? It should be against the laws of nature or physics or something. Particularly when I've taken over a full fourth of the gigantic table I'm sitting at and am listening to the Nutcracker in a vain attempt to soothe my rapidly fraying nerves. Oh, and I definitely started hallucinating words on pages already. Shit.

Things Law School Has Taught Me

1. That, inevitably, there will always be someone smarter than you.
2. Someone is always going to get a better job than you.
3. None of this means you're unqualified. Generally, it means that you have more social skills and have remembered about priorities outside law school.
4. Coffee/caffeine is the real staff of life. People say this about bread, but that is utterly fallacious.
5. Law students are the best at figuring out how to subtly sidestep rules.
6. Drinks at noon is totally acceptable and does not make you an alcoholic (as long as it's not every day).
7. An essential element of sanity is (a) having friends that are not law students, (b) spending time with said friends, and (c) bonus points if they have real people jobs and are cool with paying for your drinks every now and then.
8. Remembering to eat is one of the most difficult challenges that I have ever encountered.
9. Someone invading your library space will, in fact, make you want to murder them.
10. Acting on said homicidal thoughts is probably not in your best interests, unless your goal is to spend some time in some configuration of prison.
11. It might be possible to plead temporary insanity during finals.
12. Snacks are essential to studying.
13. It is, in fact, possible to live like a dysfunctional frat boy (as a female or OCD male). Read: it is possible for your entire living space to appear as if a bomb went off, to have no food, and possess only alcohol and consider reusing socks. Though, this is highly undesirable....for everyone.
14. Delirium translates into a large amount of late 90's pop.
15. It doesn't matter how old/young you are, when you hit 2L year, ALL the 1Ls (regardless of age) are either precious or deeply irritating in their sincerity and drive to succeed. I mean, god, people, all I want to do is watch all 3 seasons of Arrested Development on my computer. Also, I want to take all the mental health days during finals.
16. Mental health days are acceptable.

Now, in the interest of productivity, let's all watch a video that seriously objectifies some beautiful specimens of the male gender.

As a Follow Up

Undergrads, there is no excuse for littering paper towels into the freaking hallway from the bathroom. There are shitloads of trashcans. Also, no excuse for there being zero TP in ANY bathroom in the entire library. UGH. So many finals problems.

For the Love of All that is Holy

Dear Undergrads that like to use the Law Library,

When we kick you out of the "law student only" section, it's not because you're particularly obnoxious, because we hate you, because you're being discriminated against, or because we find your general presence distracting. While we may not give a second thought to you being there most of the year, this generalization is lifted during the hell we know as finals and finals prep. We aren't trying to be mean or trying to demean you in anyway. We're not trying to be rash, though, in the state of stressed out and potentially sleep deprived that most of us exist in, we may well be a tad irrational. The point is that you, dear ones, have FOURTEEN libraries on campus. We have ONE. If there is no seating in the area where you are allowed to sit in our library, wouldn't it make more sense to just go to one of the other FOURTEEN and find yourself a seat? I mean, I've seen the seating that exists in most of those libraries, it's truly immense. We have limited seating. We have no separation between where law students are allowed to be and where the rest of the public is allowed to be. We understand that most of you just want to study, that you're not really going to make any noise, and that, like us, you're relatively stressed too, but grant us this ONE thing during only a week and a half each quarter. All we ask is that you don't take up the precious seating in the single section of the library that is reserved for our use. And we don't ask for that consideration all year, only during finals and pre-finals. 10 days a quarter.

So, please, if there aren't any seats left in the library, go to another one. I personally know of two within a 4 minute walk of this building. I know it's a pain in the ass, and I know that it's not ideal. It's not an ideal set up for us either, but it doesn't help when you insist on making a fuss, becoming disruptive in your refusal to leave, and then sulking publicly about it later. That helps no one. And, yes, if we didn't have a mild dislike of you before that happened, you can rest assured that once you have made a fuss, every single law student in that section is glaring daggers of death at your head. You have successfully placed a target on yourself at that point, giving each irrational law student who is prone to sneaky hate spirals fantasies of your face melting off like in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Can't we just all be adult about it and follow this single rule in the law school?

Thanks, and best of luck in life.

Things I Don't Understand

1. Why the law school coffee shop closes at 3:00 PM on Fridays.
2. Why it is closed for the majority of finals
3. Why there is no student association providing ample free cups of crappy coffee at weird hours of the day
4. Why the law library has decided to close at 6:00 PM during finals study period
5. Why we have to leave the library, only to turn around and swipe back in 
6. Why there is no kitchen in the law student section of the library
7. What the point is of this stupid library policy
8. What I'm going to do with my crap that has spread out all over this desk while I leave, turn around, swipe back in, and set up again
9. Why they make us waste time in this idiotic manner
10. What the meaning of life is.

Reprising Rules from Kindergarten

As we all descend into the pit of flame and sulfur that is finals, there are some rules to live by, in order to avoid being murdered by your stressed out/strung out/ sleep deprived classmates. All of these rules, for the most part, have been adapted from the rules they implemented in Kindergarten to keep all of us little rugrats under control.

First, use your indoor voice in the library. This should be read to mean: actually whisper, none of this scream whispering crap.

Second, let's expand the first rule to be make as little noise as possible while in the library. This includes no stomping down the concrete stairs when going to the printer. Why they have concrete stairs in a library to begin with is beyond me. Seems woefully counterintuitive.

Third, if the administration feels the need to ingratiate itself to you through food/coffee, take all of it. As much as you want. Mmmmm.....free stuff.

Fourth, if you need a room for study grouping purposes, remember that EVERYONE wants one of those law student only rooms. They're schmancy in all their failure to circulate air properly and regulate temperature glory. They smell weird, but they're truly the dungeon and force us all to get things done, so don't take advantage. Also, remember that once classes stop being a thing, ALL classrooms are up for grabs until exams actually start.

Fifth, your study group will be much more bearable with snacks and/or drink breaks and/or sanity breaks. I may or may not overuse all of these privileges.

Goals

It's good to have them. And in law school it tends to seem like goals are all that you have. Actual successes are few and far between in this particular setting, which often seems to throw mediocrity in your face at every possible turn. That's not to say that all law students are mediocre - rather the opposite, it is a conglomeration of the largest concentration of type-A personalities you've ever seen, along with intelligent slackers, future politicians, public interest do-gooders (I say that with near-reverence, as I wish I were one), and listless, intelligent people who have yet to find their calling. But, you put a group like that together and you're bound to find that many (in fact, the majority) of the people will be deemed mediocre in that specific setting, in that particular arrangement of company.

I actually have no idea what the point of this post was other than I have a strange amount of energy (probably inspired by the free coffee in the cafe), it's a gorgeous day (seriously, picture Simpsons-esque clouds floating in a surreal blue sky, and dappled sunlight leaking through the giant plate glass windows of the library), and I saw an incredible concert last night. Man, it might be finals, but I'm in an insanely good mood. Maybe I should do something productive with all of this energy....that's a thought.

Then again, it's almost time for my Evidence study group. Kids, if your professor is anything like mine and you need to memorize how the FRE works (Federal Rules of Evidence, for you non-initiates), then do I have an awesome game for you. Watch episodes of Law & Order (or whatever courtroom, crime drama of your choice) and then have out-loud objections to evidence with friends, and discussions of how key pieces of evidence would get in. Seriously, it works. But only if you don't succumb completely to (a) snack time, (b) the allure of discussing the early-90's racism, sexism, morality complexes, seriously questionable dress sense, and abhorrent writing of the early episodes of Law & Order. The second one is harder to avoid than you might think. But, if you hold steadfast to your mission of sounding like a crazy person yelling at the tv with random assortments of numbers and letters (because saying 801(d)(2)(D) is a totally normal thing to do), I promise that some of it will actually make more sense.

And for those nights where your brain is literally rejecting information, you can turn it into a drinking game.

What? Were you expecting rules for that? Nope. Make up your own. I'll be drinking my coffee and enjoying the caffeine induced mania going on in my head.

As we do

Supposedly responsible adults, we occasionally go to late night, week night shows. I did this thing tonight. After sleeping through my 8:30 AM class. I figured it would be bad from to show up at 9:30, so I just said fuck it. Afterwards, the day was mine to do with as I pleased (that is to say, i did absolutely nothing), and then to venture to Trader Joe's (the next greatest invention next to Costco and Target) and then down to a massive concert. Did I mention that the trip to TJ's included nothing but booze? And that I failed to eat a real lunch/dinner? Yeah. All of that. The show was incredible though, and I didn't think about finals at all! YAY!!!!

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

We all have at least one professor (in law school more than anywhere else, I've noticed) that is never prepared for ANYTHING. Now, that wouldn't be bothersome if it were just, say, a lecture class. BUT, the class in which my professor is repeatedly, woefully, chronically underprepared is a class meant to act as a supplement for a clinic. Clinic as in clinical practice. As in clinical practice that will place those of us under this professor's tutelage in front of a judge at some point. I mean, seriously.

We spent 15 minutes staring at walls today, while the professor tried to make copies. I emphasize TRY because there only ended up being two copies. It ended up being a verbal explanation of the facts of the case, which we had to just hope and pray that we remembered. Oh, we also had to either look up the charges to see what the max. penalties were or just make them up. UGH. That, my friends, is no way to teach law students about how to practice criminal law. A solid 75% of the time we're in class there doesn't appear to be either rhyme or reason to the way class is taught. It just sort of happens. Honestly, most of the time I'm not entirely sure what I was supposed to learn. We're also supposed to be taking a sort of provisional bar exam for this course, so that we can go to court under the direct supervision of a senior attorney; however, I say "supposed to be" because the code we'll be practicing under changed about two months ago, and unnamed professor has now been unsure for 3 straight weeks which code we're supposed to study for this exam. NOT HELPFUL. Particularly when we're all frantically studying for finals and most of us will be leaving to be with family for the holidays immediately thereafter.

Please tell me that I'm not the only one who experiences this amount of sheer exasperation/frustration on a weekly basis....actually, right now, it's a twice weekly basis. OH, and at the end of class (which finished over an hour early) my partner (yes, we also have partners for this class) and I were basically told that what we're doing on Wednesday does not apply to us. Talk about a waste of time. I mean, sure, I get that you're a real life practitioner and that stuff blows up, but if you are responsible for teaching a class, and you're NOT in court that day, spend 20 minutes getting your shit together. It would make all of our lives easier, less frustrating, and less mildly homicidal. Also, you pulled me away from my steamy, sriracha-infused, delicious bowl of Pho for that mess of a class. Thanks. Totally made my day better. I didn't need that happiness and pause in the day at all.

Contrasts

While last year at this time I was in total and utter disbelief that I was supposed to have learned anything in 8 weeks, by spring I had adopted this as my personal anthem for Constitutional law:


While that feeling has not entirely faded, I've taken on two catchier anthems to drive me through finals (feel free to judge as you will).




Enjoy! And may your outlining be fruitful! I'm going to go enjoy my growler full of (not brewery, just canned) beer and make myself dinner.


For those of you unfamiliar with outlining, just for a second imagine cramming all of criminal law (not procedure, just the statutes) into a single outline that you would use just once. Yeah. Boom. Lawyered.

Party all the time

Here's a not-so-secret about law school, kiddos: law students (in general) will take literally any excuse to have a party and turn it into a party. For example: there are four (count 'em....FOUR) holiday parties in the next TWO weeks. Starting tonight. And, in accordance with finals, they go from the most civilized (tonight's) and slowly devolve to the least civilized (my money's on the one a week from Friday)and then come back to civilization (the one the night before I leave for home). Holiday parties in law school exist on a sort of bell-curve shaped continuum.

Unfortunately, everyone and his/her brother appears to have latched on like a leech to the idea of having an Ugly Christmas Sweater party. This is a problem for some people (AKA: me) who never experienced the phenomenon known as ugly christmas sweaters - read: either did not have a relative that felt the compulsion to make such abominations and crimes against fashion, or were just in a climate that basically never requires a sweater (e.g. Arizona, Florida, Louisiana, SoCal, Nevada, some parts of Texas). So, I'm banking on my innate ability to stress bake like a Tasmanian Devil (seriously, my kitchen looks like a flour bomb went off right now) to compensate for that.

Also, if you don't bake/cook with music on, your life is sad. Dancing around the kitchen alone for no earthly reason is one of the greatest feelings in the world.

White elephant gifts in these scenarios are also perplexing. Last year I had the trump card, but I also knew the rules. Costco sells toddler sized fleece blankets with hoods in the shape of various animals. That was my trump card last year. I don't know the rules for the party I'm about to go to, but I'm hoping that a children's coloring book and crayons is acceptable (just to put this in perspective, people at this party either have kids or are married, and are all over the age of 23 years old). I've been told of this rare breed of creature that has white elephant exchanges with REAL presents. Like ones that people would want. Instead of a Bieber CD. I have yet to encounter this rarest of creatures, and truly pray to Spongebob that I never do. Those creatures in their natural habitat sound terrifying.

Anyway, I'm gonna put up the recipes for what I'm making today, just in case there are any other stress bakers out there. (FYI: I made neither recipe up, and did modify both to fit vegan/strict vegetarian requirements)

Cinnamon-Apple Cake (originally adapted from Cooking Light Magazine)

Ingredients


1 3/4 cups sugar, divided
1/2 cup stick margarine, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
6 ounces block-style fat-free cream cheese, softened (about 3/4 cup)
2 large eggs
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
3 cups chopped peeled Rome apple (about 2 large)
Cooking spray

Preparation

Preheat oven to 350°.

Beat 1 1/2 cups sugar, margarine, vanilla, and cream cheese at medium speed of a mixer until well-blended (about 4 minutes). Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating well after each addition. Combine flour, baking powder, and salt. Add flour mixture to creamed mixture, beating at low speed until blended.

Combine 1/4 cup sugar and cinnamon. Combine 2 tablespoons cinnamon mixture and apple in a bowl, and stir apple mixture into batter. Pour batter into an 8-inch springform pan coated with cooking spray, and sprinkle with remaining cinnamon mixture.

Bake at 350° for 1 hour and 15 minutes or until the cake pulls away from the sides of the pan. Cool the cake completely on a wire rack, and cut using a serrated knife.

Note: You can also make this cake in a 9-inch square cake pan or a 9-inch springform pan; just reduce the cooking time by 5 minutes.


Lemon Bundt Cake (from Cook's Illustrated)

Ingredients

Cake
3 Tbsp grated lemon zest PLUS 3 Tbsp lemon juice
3 C all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
3/4 C buttermilk (I used coconut milk - yay veganism! - but....bacon....)
1 tsp vanilla extract (I'm not exact on most of these when I bake)
3 large eggs PLUS 1 large yolk
18 Tbsp unsalted butter, softened (as one would expect)
2 C sugar

Glaze
2-3 Tbsp lemon juice
1 Tbsp buttermilk (again, mine is gonna be weird due to veganism)
2 C confectioners sugar (powdered sugar...basically sugar and cream of tartar whipped together)


Directions

1. Heat to 350º and set rack in the middle. Spray a bundt pan with nonstick spray

2. Combine zest and juice, set aside for 10-15 min.

3. Combine dry ingredients together in a large bowl.

4. Combine lemon juice mixture, buttermilk, and vanilla in another bowl.

5. Whisk eggs and yolk together in another bowl and set aside.

6. Beat sugar and butter together until they are combined and light and fluffy looking.

7. Mix in eggs (do 1/2 at a time) and make sure it fully combines with sugar/butter.

8. Add dry and wet ingredients, alternating and fully combining between.

9. Scrape batter into pan, put in oven, cook 45-50 minutes (until brown and toothpick inserted in center comes out clean).

10. Mix glaze ingredients together, so that mixture is thick, but pourable. Allow cake to cook for 10 minutes before adding glaze. Allow cake to finish cooling (if any glaze remains, you may add more in an hour.)



Happy stress baking/party season, fellow law-nerds.

You Know It's Finals When...

You spend a full 24 hours in sweats...and come to the conclusion that you accomplished absolutely nothing. I personally blame the weather and the utter fuzziness of my blankets (seriously, it's like someone murdered the fuzziest teddybear that you've ever seen and sewed him into a blanket...though that particular analogy is rather morbid). The blanket is truly amazing though. Thank you, Costco. However, now that I feel sufficiently useless, it's time to get actual food (apparently popcorn as a meal makes people sad for you), and do some serious stress baking. I leave you with this glorious photo: